Becoming a Sperm Donor is a big step to take, yet extremely rewarding one once you have the balls to do it (pun intended). Nothing better than doing something altruistic in the community and helping deserving people start their own family. It is such a unique way to contribute to society it is a little bit different from other alternative altruistic causes such as donating blood, organs, charity work as you’re helping create a human life that will roam this world for hopefully at least 80 years? What will they become? What qualities may they inherit from you?
When men first come across my community there is a genuine sense of fear, I know because I felt it myself, the only difference is in 2014, all I had to reference from was John Lindsey Mayger a retired Bus Driver, Not fully understanding the laws back then, my first train of thought well no one is going to take a pensioner for child support are they? Me however earning 6 figures maybe so. Time warp to 2020, 6 years onwards the community has had thousands of births now and yet not one person paying child support in Australia. The laws are rather good in Australia and history paints a story of the realities of this donor world. If you’re from other parts of the world, you might want to do some research on the laws in your local state, for instance Ari Nagel in USA is paying child support to several of his mothers, but then again he donates to homeless people, so what does he expect!
We have men enter the group and not quite at the stage where they’re mentally prepared to help just yet, a few leave the group but whether it be a few months, or a year or two down the track they come back. The seed has already been planted (pun intended yet again, I am on a roll here) and the thought of being donor will arise again at some point. It is normal to have cold feet, I totally get it, I remember my very first donation, it was a 20 minute car drive and every single minute I felt like chickening out and turning the car around and drove home. If it were not for my strong morals on not letting people down, I could easily have done that. Imagine that, all the thousands of babies born through my community would not have existed today if I ran away from donating.
Being a rookie donor about to make my debut, to first time recipients none of us really knew the etiquette. The preplanning made with the recipients was, I was to use their spare bedroom for an Ai donation and they would play music in the room like an iPod player stereo, because I may have been uncomfortable them hearing me, or they may have been uncomfortable hearing me… Bad idea! Nothing worst than trying to go about your business to likes of Chad Kroeger’s voice from Nickelback. I had really thought about a playlist, maybe some Lana Del Rey sure, but still till this day my worst donating experience and scarred me from Nickelback for life.
If you can overcome cold feet, push through, and get your first donation done under your belt (literally) it becomes more and more normalized, those butterflies and anxieties diminish. Suddenly you have a strut in your step as you show up to the local hotel for your next donation like a Rockstar, ok not quite like that but it’s feels absolutely second nature. It is interesting now when I meet new recipients and realise how nervous they are and reflecting back to many moons ago when I once felt the same way. Put it this way donating sperm for the first can feel remarkably similar to your very first formal job interview the lead up and suspense of not knowing what to expect.
Types of men who donate
Ultimately it takes a noble man that is comfortable with his genetics, that is mentally head strong, and has the right intentions in mind. The diversity is huge, we get married men that have already had children that understand how special this gift is to pass on to other people is. Some men due to work commitments eg. Constant travel, heavy rosters, don’t have time to form a relationship or able to settle down and have children so for them passing on their DNA to someone that has got time too and be kept in the loop with milestone updates, is optimal for them. Then there is men that have been unlucky in love, that have given up hope in finding a partner and just want to continue on the family blood line in this unique situation. Other go a step further and seeking Co-parenting this is common for single men and gay men quite common to play the uncle role. Whatever your situation is if you have a heart of gold, you’re the type of person I want in my community. We’re a non-discrimination group here and we’re all one team.
Methods of Donating
Being a donor in any of my communities is all about integrity donating for the right reasons. You can donate in a variety of methods:
Artificial Insemination (Ai): Is at home/hotel do it yourself insemination requiring no doctors or fertility specialists, it is simple you donate into a sterile cup or soft cup hand over the donation for the recipients to do the rest. If you’re worried about legalities, then this is the safest bet.
Natural Insemination (Ni): Otherwise known as sexual intercourse with the purpose of conception, by law you’re legally the father if it ever went to court. Many single heterosexual women prefer this method because double handling sperm is not appealing to them and some doctors give them advice that method might give them their best chance at conceiving especially if age and fertility issues could be a factor. This is a personal choice.
Clinical donation: Usually women with fertility issues may ask of you to donate at a clinic for them. Donating at a clinic in Australia does not give you anymore immunity than Ai at home the legalities are the same, despite a clinic playing the fear card to manipulate you into thinking otherwise. If you’re in other parts of the world a clinic donation maybe provides more protection check your local laws or see a lawyer for advice.
It’s important to work out what methods you’re comfortable with, if you’re married or in a relationship then in most cases Natural Insemination is off limits. In my communities we are here to create families not risk destroying your own. There is sites like Ashley Madison that encourage that but not here. It is all about integrity here, if you have kinks leave them at the door there is sites like adultfriendfinder.com and fetlife for that sort of stuff. Natural Insemination in these types of groups is a very clinical like boring approach in most cases, the purpose is conception. Sadly, people don’t last long in here if they want to test the boundaries.
When you become a donor, you do have a duty of care not to pass on any Sexual Transmitted Infection (Sti) Otherwise the law may deem your actions as negligent and for example giving somebody HIV can be up to 25 years in prison. So, it’s good to get checked out prior to donating and your recipient should offer to go get tested also. While being a donor if you are on dating apps such as Tinder you should be performing safe sex practices eg. Wearing a condom. No one currently has ever passed on an STI in this community, and if you were ever to would be instantly removed and would I encourage the recipient to take you to court for damages. So, I reiterate be safe!
Choosing who to help
Currently the number of recipients far outweigh the donors so when you first join the group and make a post you could get bombarded with inquiries for your services. It’s good to have selection and pick people to meet or help that you get along with that appear on the same wave length. It’s best to work out very early on what you’re comfortable and the list of boxes that need ticking by your potential recipients. You may want to know how they plan on supporting the child (is there any money issues?), you may want to receive photos monthly, yearly etc? You may want to have yearly visits? You may want a co-parenting role, There is a lot of variables to work out and to go through it’s best to know all these when starting.
When you start talking to people be mindful no matter how good looking you may think you are, or how charming your personality is, you will never be everyone’s cup of tea. In my own eyes I know I am particularly good candidate for potential recipients, great health in the family, have non-dominate features, have an extremely high sperm count which is largely attributed to my sperm friendly diet. Yet there will be many people that will overlook you. The trick is not to get offended or take it personally. The view I take is I am glad that someone else is out there that can help that suits them, rather than feeling rejected.
Never be pushy or show signs that you are too keen people start to question are you wanting more to do with the child other than what you agreed on? They don’t understand that when a donor first starts, they’re keen to see if the methods work and are successful with their own eyes. Donors also want to see if their sperm lives up to the test. Many donors are excited by this, and some of us think our sperm is more better than it is, however we must simply go with the flow and remain cool calm and collected.
You will come across many different personalities of women, some more chatty than others, some more sceptical, some less trusting. The problem is a lot of clinical staff put fear campaigns out about us donors try and make us sound like monsters, so when these women join a lot are automatically fearing the worst of people. We’re slowly breaking down this stigma as we continue to create more and more healthy babies through our channels and word of mouth is rapidly spreading, however the clinics will keep trying to knock us back a peg. So just be mindful of that I have met some ladies that didn’t sound too convincing or appealing by how they spoke over the internet, yet when you meet them in person they’re amazing and we just really hit it off, I was very surprised initially of these findings, so keeping an open mind is also a good thing to possess.
Some recipients will the end the conversation with “thanks for the chat I will need to go away and think about it and get back to you”. They’re either trying to be polite and end the conversation as you’re not what they’re looking for or they’re generally considering you between a couple of other donors. Just let nature take its course and let them get back to you when they’re ready, obviously they’re the ones living their lives they’re simply have not forget about wanting a baby and need reminding. I have learnt from these mistakes myself when I first started and what I have learnt is let them get back to you when they’re ready, focus your energy on what you can control.
It’s important to remain courteous and keep a good reputation, the sperm donating community can be tight knit, women who live near each other start talking, if you come across rude to one person it can open a talking point that is passed on to others. I have always remained professional to whoever I speak to whether I am interested in donating to them or not, most of the time I am genuinely busy and booked out though. I have never given anyone a reason to speak poorly of me as a donor, as admin not everyone agrees with my decisions. I have not advertised my donating services for a couple of years now, yet word of mouth from people my name gets spoken about and people message me asking for help. If you are a trusted donor that gets great feedback from within the community it automatically draws people to you over alternative donors who haven’t been recommended by others.
Sometimes you will see a new recipient make a new post and you reply to that post it is unrealistic to think from a 30-minute one session chat on Facebook that they must pick you right then and there as your donor. In saying that I have had some quick to ask women try and lock it in early. However other women are planners and like to take their time and have a look at the menu so to speak. Don’t be the impatient waiter give them the opportunity to look at the menu, good things come to those who wait as being pushy is an off putting quality that will only deter.
Donor’s to donate online or at clinic that is thy question?
In America anonymity exists and they also get paid handsomely to donate this is what separates the two donating cultures because in Australia it is the polar opposite. Therefore we get different types of men that donate, in Australia we get altruistic men that just want to help people from the kindness of their heart and in USA they get men that want to earn a quick buck for compensation in handing over their sperm, no wonder the saying goes money is the root of evil as it can inspire people to do things they normally wouldn’t do.
Clinics in Australia will whinge and moan that since anonymity law changed, they lost many potential donors (otherwise known as cash cows). They try to control donors via fear, as a means of trying to get them through their doors rather than donate online this is their only weapon. As they refuse to reinvent themselves for practical reasons. They cannot allow the donors and recipients to meet in fear that they will just do at home insemination.
In recent times with the rise of Sperm Donation World communities, most men prefer to pick the people they help rather than the clinic control the distribution of their sperm. Most of our donors prefer to feel comfortable and happy that the gift they provide to a family, the child will be brought up in loving and caring environment, this helps put our mind at ease. There has been huge emotional toll on a lot of clinic donors who have no idea who they have helped a manifestation builds and builds to a point that it plays heavily on their mind. Thoughts of entering shopping centres and seeing children that slightly resembled their own features, wondering is that one of mine? The mental toll of not knowing only adds to the suspense, we know this because there is many men that have walked this path there is a Facebook group called MADMen – Melbourne (Formerly) Anonymous Donors, the group is full of men that are hurt and didn’t realise the ramification of their decisions back then can come back to haunt them almost on a daily basis. The history exists for all of us to witness that demonstrates for men donating at a clinic is not a good option.
So, who gets our sperm as a clinic anyway? I came across a controversial real-life story and I will be careful on how I word it as to not to give away too much information. Basically, a young woman from Western Australia was using a local clinic, she married a guy that has at least a further 12 years in jail before he is eligible in parole, he was convicted of murder stabbing an innocent man that happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time during a jealous rage via an altercation with an ex-girlfriend.
She explained that he went to the same school as her, but he was a couple years older, and what started out as writing to him, turned into visits and as infatuation grew the next thing is she is getting married within the solitary walls he was confined to. I guess it is a similar to how Mark Brandon “Chopper” Read married Mary-Anne Hodge a very similar story how some women can become obsessed with sentenced criminals. This lady believed he is innocent of the crime he was found guilty of. To her credit she very open and honest and disclosed her whole situation, she wished to have children now and she couldn’t wait for over a decade for her partner to released to start trying, he was aware of the situation I am told and supportive of her wishes. They discussed it and agreed she could use a sperm donor from a clinic.
I came across her at the point of her having 3 failed IUI’s as she was contemplating her next move potentially an online donor, as things were becoming expensive with each failing attempt. I found her whole story very insightful; she said some men she spoke to didn’t feel comfortable donating to her because of her situation. Which lead me to the question what say do clinical donors get in all of this? How will they feel once the child turns 18? Makes contact and they learn the child grew up with regular prison visits and then in their teenage years parented by a convicted criminal. I am a very open-minded person myself, but from speaking to other men about this situation it didn’t sit to well with many of them. What if the child at 18 wanted a connection with the donor that enraged this man become aggressive towards said donor? How would other parents and siblings that used the same donor’s sperm feel to have their child linked to this person? It is a very controversial topic but as humans many of us have morals and its human instinct to be judgemental. Now I am not saying this lady should not have kids, but I think the donor needs to be open and comfortable towards that situation rather find out 18 years later that is where his sperm went.
From this example it goes to show as recipients and donors these children can be linked to all sorts and types of families. Which raises the question? Being a donor and picking the people you help is a significant process that a clinic should not have final say over. Also, for recipients picking a donor and knowing he has moral standards in who has helped as your children will be linked with other donor conceived people via the same donor. When writing this it didn’t sit well with me bringing this scenario up as I hate to discriminate openly, but I felt it was compelling because it’s not a scenario that people would envision but at the same time it’s a very real event.
As men and society become far more educated on this and for those donating purely for altruistic reasons, we are now seeing a shift away from men donating at clinics. Even the fear of incest is completely taken out of the equation when a donor knows exactly who he has helped, for me this was a big consideration when weighing up to donate, and the clinic option would put my own two children at risk of this potentially happening, as a donor who now knows who has helped that risk has been taken out of equation.
The Television show “Insight” on SBS in 2018 episode 35 titled “DNA surprises” highlighted the real risk and concern in all this, donations via a clinic. There were 4 young adults that all did DNA testing on an online website and were genetic matches on the database, two of these donor conceived people a young male and young woman of similar age lived within 10 minutes of each other, they both frequently visited the same watering hole for weekend beers and were both none the wiser. They had only recently meet prior to the show, and they were fascinated by each other’s similarities in features, which is a known psychological symptom in the rules of attraction for a lot of people, it’s human nature to be attracted to features that you possess subconsciously, as you get use to look at those features in the mirror each day. They were incredibly lucky they did not engage unknowingly either that or they were both too drunk to remember. There is still a further 6 siblings out there that are unaccounted for and unknown to them, how many of those may also live in the same vicinity? It is common practice for donors and recipients to use a clinic that is close to their home or workplace, so many of these donor siblings are likely to live in a close vicinity to each other. This really highlights the importance of donors knowing who they have donated to and creating their own registrar, it’s the only real way to protect all parties involved, clinics system is a game of odds and chance and does not eliminate the risk.
Becoming a donor via my communities is an amazing and rewarding experience, I know this because I have done it and I also know this because countless amounts of men that have done it have thanked me for setting this platform up. Till this day I have never had a man come to me and regret his actions of becoming a donor. It is not until you have donated, and a child being born from your help that you realize just how special being a donor is, words are hard to explain. There is no shame in being confident in your genes and being mentally strong enough to pass on your genetics to a deserving family in need, it is honourable deed to do. I am very passionate in what I do and the communities I run that is why I share this information to you, because I would of loved to had such guidance and reassurance when I first looked into becoming a donor, I learnt everything the long way, for tomorrows donor we have established a strong platform to join and be apart of. I hope this can inspire more people to become donors. If you have any further questions you can reach out to me anytime.