The Non Biological Parent

For many Non-biological parents there is no issues bonding and falling in love with the new family addition. For some others getting their head around that, a child won’t possess any of their DNA can take some time. Many of us have fur-babies before we ever had children, now I have never not loved my dog because he didn’t share my DNA, yet he is still part of my family. A lot of parents consider their pets as family members. Like your pet(s) a child will also reciprocate love back regardless of DNA.

I got to speak to Megan from the Sunshine Coast in Queensland she had been with her partner Amy for over 3 years when she dropped the bombshell that she would like to start a family with her. Megan was ready to carry her desire of being a mother had been building up if she could remember. Amy initially said yes to the idea, however Megan was picking up a few negative vibes she didn’t really understand them at first. Eventually it came out in conversation that Amy was worried that she wouldn’t feel attached to the child.

That conversation stuck with Megan that day she felt she was always mindful moving on from that day forward being cautious how she approached the subject and not say possibly the wrong things. She always asked for Amy’s opinion on everything to help make Amy feel as included and in control as possible, creating that sense and vibe that although Amy wasn’t going to be biologically related to the child she had a level of input on their future child.

Firstly, they explored the clinic option yet left feeling unfulfilled with the selection process. The donor’s profile on paper didn’t really paint a clear picture. A friend pointed them in the direction of my Facebook group Sperm Donation Australia. Megan and Amy were instantly more engaged and excited. Megan tactically included Amy into group conversations with the donor so that they were both included and could ask their own questions as they pleased. They had several conversations with donors that resided within Queensland yet one stood out head and shoulders above the rest. “I knew when I first saw him that this donor could be our donor, a lot of his features resembled Amy’s it was pretty much down to logistics” According to Megan.

Megan pointed out those features and Amy could see them, together they came to the mutual decision of picking their donor as it all fell into place and they agreed on terms and conditions. They both met their donor in person for coffee at a local café the meeting went for a couple of hours they discovered he had similar interests as Amy in that he liked to cook, loved camping, fishing and 4-wheel driving. Any little doubts they had were put to rest from the meeting and both parties were happy to proceed with the donations.

It ended up taking 3 cycles for Megan to conceive receiving 8 donations all up. Amy was involved with every insemination for her partner with her being the one to insert and pull back the syringe. “It is such a wonderful experience for your partner to be able to feel like they’re the ones impregnating you, whereas at the clinics they’re just a spectator watching someone else take control” Megan explains. Megan liked the fact the all donations could be done outside of work hours the extra annual leave not being used was able to be taken for Amy to come to every scan and doctor’s appointment throughout the pregnancy.

Megan and Amy for the record conceived a beautiful healthy boy that weighed 3.5k kilos. Megan’s advice to others is. “Communication talk about a list of issues talk about possible fears of bonding, honesty is the key, discover these possible problems early and act on them be mindful of your partner, make them feel included and apart of every decision.”

There is no doubt in my mind that the path they choose to have a baby over clinical options was the right choice for them, Amy’s involvement prior and during pregnancy put her in good head space and she was able to feel a connection and bond with their child straight away.

Then there was Lisa she was the non-biological mum I spoke to her about her experience.  “It was Summer, and it was stinking hot and my partner (Suzie) into the final weeks her belly was like a hot air balloon, it was clearly uncomfortable for her and she got agitated by sharp kicks and contractions”

To make matters worst for Suzie the baby went over being born at 40 weeks +6, however that was the least of her problems it was a long labour that went over 24 hours, she got to 4cm dilation then from there was a long wait she got to about 8cm dilation when complications arose the babies heart rate was dropping, and they had to perform an emergency caesarean. Suzie had lost a lot of blood.

Suzie’s first and only pregnancy to date was a traumatic experience fair to say. It took her as the biological mum 3 months to start to learn to love their child. Lisa “I was the primary carer for the first few months, changed most of the nappies, was always the one to get up for feeds, bath times as well as my favourite part cuddles”.  Although it was tough on Lisa for the first few months it laid the foundations for an unbreakable bond to their baby. The child still to this day favourite parent is Lisa it just goes to show it doesn’t matter if there is no genetic link it’s how you bond with them.

My own personal experience through couples I have helped donate to has been overwhelmingly positive the child has been loved to bits by both parents. There was one blemish one couple that broke up during pregnancy 4 months in, the non-biological parent to be ran off with a close friend, which I didn’t see coming and was really shocked to have heard.  There wasn’t really no explanation, so we may never no the real reasons behind it. Aside from that being a non-biological parent isn’t a big deal for most, just remember to treat each other as parents no one is superior, make the effort to bond with the baby and love will flow. Many parents don’t like the term biological and nonbiological parent in their eyes they’re equals.

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